“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.