How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
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If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
good work, detective
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.