Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.