Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
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Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
britain’s three elite institutions
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.