Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
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50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.