Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
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Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.