judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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who did the taste test?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
me adding lol on a serious message
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON