My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
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*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.