I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
You Might Also Like
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.