“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
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[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
i think we should see other cousins
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.