So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
You Might Also Like
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.