My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
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Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month