gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
😍😂🥰😂😍
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?