Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.