Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
cause of death:
autopsy.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Oh yeh? Explain this then