I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.