ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
starting a garage orchestra
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
can’t believe I got front row seats
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.