whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
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After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic