a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I like crazy people until they notice me
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
not seeing the problem
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy