Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.