– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.