*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”