I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)