3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Ugh but profoundly
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.