(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
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who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Potatoes were such a good idea
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something