It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
The glory of fall.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.