*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
For anyone who needs this today
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.