I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
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shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Breakfast for Stoners:
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*