Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
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If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Human are so complicated
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse