New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
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Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.