a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
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4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”