My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
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I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
drew a comic about my origin story
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Happy Febuary everyone!
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets