The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.