Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
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“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When I snag the last meatball.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn