[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.