{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
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I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Always 🥴
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
That’s no pocket rocket.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*