My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
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The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Everything reminds me of my ex
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here