Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
You Might Also Like
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.