[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
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There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I am also baked goods
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.