[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
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I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”