“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
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breakfast, the most important beer of the day
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low