people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
You Might Also Like
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.