[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
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Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
We need more people like this.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead