Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
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I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy