please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier