When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
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favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.