I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]