these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You Might Also Like
Respect
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?