Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.