I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My work here is done
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
asked my bf how work was today
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever